


To My Next Self

by Hopefullyrees



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Allons-y, Character Death, Darleks, Gen, Guilt, Regeneration, Regret, Sadness, Suicide Notes, Trenzalore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopefullyrees/pseuds/Hopefullyrees
Summary: The Doctor says goodbye.





	To My Next Self

To my next self

This is my goodbye. I've said goodbye to my companions. I've saluted their bravery. I will miss them but by staying with them, I will murder them.  
I am a soldier. I can't deny it.  
You will understand when you read this, who I was, who you were. I've enjoyed my time in this body. I've met some amazing people. Truly fantastic people.  
Don't forget me. Don't forget the life I had. Don't forget the choices I made. Be a better person than I was.  
I'm scared. But then again, we're always scared. I've always admired the humans who sacrifice themselves, who go without fear. Their lives are so delicate, like mayflies. Why should I care for them? Why did I save them? I wouldn't be here now if I wasn't.  
I'm still a soldier. Like the man before me and the man before him. I hope you're not. I hope you're better than that. Just don't be lonely. Find someone brilliant. Show them the stars. Let them look after you. Wounds will heal.  
Don't forget my friends. Look out for them. I made monsters of them. I turned them into weapons. While they saved me, I killed them. War is never the answer.   
Today I carried a gun.  
I killed my best friend.  
I destroyed him.   
It's all my fault.  
I nearly killed my 'mate'. I watched as I stole her memory of me. I didn't save her. She thought she wasn't anything special. I showed her her potential. Now she has nothing. I went to her death bed. And I told her. I told her the story of the Doctor Donna. I watched her brain burn. At least, in the end, she knew she was special. I wish I could repay her. She taught me to smile. She taught me not to be cruel. I owed her so much and could give nothing.   
I didn't cry at her funeral. I couldn't. I choked on my pain. A silent watcher of her grave. Visit her for me. I don't want her to be lonely.  
I let another down. She worshiped me. I didn't care for her in the same way. I was blinded by self loathing. She taught me to open my eyes. But I turned her into a monster, ready to sacrifice the world to stop the darleks. I tried to show her violence wasn't the answer. I failed. I turned the healer into a destroyer for my own selfish needs. Martha Jones, defender of earth. What did I do to you?  
I do not regret Rose. I can't. Maybe I loved her. Maybe I chose her so I could watch her admire me. I made her stronger. I showed her she was braver than she thought. My Rose. Left on the beach. I left her a part of myself. He will have the life I will always want. He will settle down. She will heal him. She shall make the Doctor of him.  
Today I carried a gun. And I will die. I killed my friend. Abandoned him to the sound of the drums. But I can't change the past. No matter how hard I try. He died. And I was my fault.  
There are so many deaths on my hands. People I didn't even know. They killed and were killed in the name of the Doctor. Maybe this is the irony of it all.   
I'm scared. I have learnt so much. Helped so little. Don't forget me. I met you once. I think you try to forget what you are scared of. I am scared of myself. I'm scared of you.  
I'm going to Trenzalore. I can't stop it. I can't save myself anymore than I can save anyone who knows me. I don't deserve my name. I am not a healer.  
Today I carried a gun. Today I paid the price.   
Be a good man. Be a better man. Be the best man.   
So here goes.   
Allons-y!

I don't want to go.


End file.
